Brain Chirp

Sometimes you just have the best environment, time and overall setting perfectly aligned for something you normally like to do. Everything is perfect, almost. Except for the fact that you just blank out, it is loud. Suddenly feeling lost, yet the weirdly comforting perfect circumstances are still there. The planets aligned just for you, yet you suddenly cannot decide which spell to cast. What can that look like? A quiet night, no obligations the day after. Cozy lights, calm music in a book nook model. Ideas spinning around for some stories, yet none of them click. An empty document right in front of you. You have some time, a lot of inspiration to feed on, motivation and even goals, concrete ones. Yet you just cannot open the case of your instrument. The gear is all there, you know what you want to do, yet the exercise routine never starts. It used to be so easy. Or was it ever? Finally it is all there, you see your progress with a skill, maybe a language, be it a natural one or other...

It is quite odd, not being able to trust your own gut. All the what-could-have-beens that plague my mind. Now they are all coming back. I'm bitter, oh I am so bitter. What is this profound, deep feeling that will eventually lead to complete numbness? (Dumb question.) Am I bitter at my ordinance? My health? Would I think of things myself, if I were not ailed by aimless pursuits? How spoiled and inconstant, the being I am. Forever ailed by "what could have been"s,  Plagued by the "ideal me" in a parallel universe, even though I know how illogical it is. I know I need to focus on now & above & beyond. The issue is, I cannot stop feeling subparm even though I am aware of what I carved for myself is decent enough. Then, why am I... or, do I feel full of regrets? Ridiculous.