Brain Chirp

Thought it was finally going to be fine. It looked up once again. Finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Or so I thought. Was it all an illusion?  Actually just another period of being "fine", before it all comes crushing down again? What happened to the cornflakes? Or is it just a tingle of the toe? This is indeed the weirdest "numb" I have ever felt.

Am I… …Like a “usuality” that exists within the space, that it stops getting noticed? Just something that became a habitual circumstance? I feel my affection tainted. Only to get it back when things are in danger. Like a toy one would care about only if it threatened to disappear.

My friend decided to relapse. Hopefully, I will survive. It is annoying to know the "logical" side of truth only to have your brain ignore it. Only to have everything filtered through a horrible, nasty self doubting screen. Does being self aware help? Who the fuck knows?

So drained. That's the feeling sometimes. Drowning in ToDos and the other obligations one imposes or gets imposed upon self. A moment of clarify sometimes shines through the cracks, only to disappear again. Oh  you think. I got this. Then one little thing comes through, makes the crack bigger, but there is only darkness outside. That one little thing you should have done.